ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.