Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Whoa 😂
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.