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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
When I snag the last meatball.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Lmbo
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.