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When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.