My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Wait for it
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Ha.