Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing