I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker