The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
You Might Also Like
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet