Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Denise please return my vape pen
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ