My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
doing your own taxes
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan