interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”