I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Does beer think about me too?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything