“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Thrilling chase underway
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken