The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”