FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
You Might Also Like
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
mentally somewhere in italy
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.