WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
U talkin 2 me?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.