[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.