If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.