Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
oh you wanna fight?!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”