I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.