THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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Happy Thanksgiving
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
at ease…shoulder.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]