*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
😜
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter