her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.