One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
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[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.