me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Damn what did I do next
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep