listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Before & after 😅
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ