Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
adam and eve had first world problems
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((