Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*