Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Well, this certainly took a turn
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point