(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.