Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes