Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
handsome & gretel
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?