I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
This is the best one I’ve seen
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit