The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.