me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I think this cat is broken
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.