THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Single and childfree like Jesus
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.