Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic