one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
time machine? you mean a clock?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel