Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
No, he would not have.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.