The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I hate when that happens.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Leaving the Barbers like
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.