I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
This hospital has everything
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll