I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies