Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I am patiently waiting for your email
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday