can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
You Might Also Like
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?