Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
You Might Also Like
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?