She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one