It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.