If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
You Might Also Like
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Selfie
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.