While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Oops
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)