Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.